Where am I at you ask?

I've typed up several blogs these past couple of weeks. None of them worth publishing.

I haven't got anything to say that anyone wants to read right now. I'm in a funk, as Nathan would say. I'm not very good company either, I'm avoiding anything if I can help it. I've only actively sought out company a few times, I stroll over to a neighbors with beer and sit and talk for a while.

Lately I've even avoided that.

I am still leading the Battalions FRG, still going to every event and planning future ones. I am counting the days until Nathan comes home (about 40) but I'm worried his presence will not change anything. There is nothing particular weighing on my mind just a numb kind of feeling. I still have nightmares about that day, about possible future ones too.

I have forced myself into babysitting an infant for an hour or so, but that hour included a nap. I was hoping it would, I needed to jump that hurdle. I laid the baby down and sat outside the door on the floor and let myself cry. I checked every so often to make sure everything was okay, it was the longest hour of my life. I'm glad I did it but I don't think it will be any easier to do it again. I will always be waiting for the next moment to be reminded of how powerless I am.

Where I once felt nothing but guilt, I now feel loss. Also, the responsibility, my practicality seems to be a barrier in processing that. Maybe time is the only thing that can ease the weight of accountability.

I feel like I'm on a crashing plane that has righted itself and all of the other passengers have lifted their heads up from between their knees but I'm still their crouching in my seat holding my knees as tight as I can. I'm convinced that just because the immediate crisis has past that does not negate the possibility of another crisis.

Like I said... there is nothing here that does anyone any good to hear. Time will pass, Nathan will come home, and days will keep coming one after the other. I have to believe at some point the memories, the terror and the unresolved emotions will become less potent. No one is okay after something like this. The situation seems more complex with no clear cause of death, nothing and no one to hold responsible except myself. There are no answers and so many questions.

I keep putting one foot in front of the other as I'm sure the parents are doing as well. They have it so much worse than I do. I can't process it all along with processing everything else everyday life throws at me so I think keeping a low profile and being distant has to be okay for now. On top of this huge mountain is another one, Nathan is in the middle of a war and the situation seems to be declining every day. I know too much now to let it roll off. I have seen death, felt powerless to prevent it and had to be okay with sending Nate right back on a plane a few weeks later. I don't think anyone will judge me for being distant given the circumstances.

Nathan is going to be gone a little bit longer than usual but only by a few weeks. He will be officially promoted to Major on July 1st while overseas. It disappoints that I will not be there to at least have a photograph of the moment but it's a small irritation when all things are considered. He has a tentative date for his initial flight out and could be home by the first week in August.

Until then I don't see myself posting anything else up here. Hopefully Nathan's wit and sarcasm will be up for blog duty once he's home. I will keep you all up to date if anything changes.