25 weeks down only 3 to go!

I recently spent time volunteering at the USO to help the single soldiers in our unit who are returning from deployment.

I found out they had to pack up their barracks when they left so they have an empty room to come back to, it's sounds so lonely it breaks my heart. So, I coordinated with our battalion to provide a welcome home bag of supplies for each soldier returning home from the current rotation.

I bribed all of our First Sergeants with boxes of girl scout cookies :) to help me get the bags to their soldiers. Thin Mints to the rescue!

Everyone should take the opportunity to check out how to help out the USO, check out their website here http://www.uso.org/whoweare/findyourlocaluso/

Another great opportunity, Welcome Home a Hero....

http://affiliates.uso.org/DFW/files/WelcomeHome.pdf

Where am I at you ask?

I've typed up several blogs these past couple of weeks. None of them worth publishing.

I haven't got anything to say that anyone wants to read right now. I'm in a funk, as Nathan would say. I'm not very good company either, I'm avoiding anything if I can help it. I've only actively sought out company a few times, I stroll over to a neighbors with beer and sit and talk for a while.

Lately I've even avoided that.

I am still leading the Battalions FRG, still going to every event and planning future ones. I am counting the days until Nathan comes home (about 40) but I'm worried his presence will not change anything. There is nothing particular weighing on my mind just a numb kind of feeling. I still have nightmares about that day, about possible future ones too.

I have forced myself into babysitting an infant for an hour or so, but that hour included a nap. I was hoping it would, I needed to jump that hurdle. I laid the baby down and sat outside the door on the floor and let myself cry. I checked every so often to make sure everything was okay, it was the longest hour of my life. I'm glad I did it but I don't think it will be any easier to do it again. I will always be waiting for the next moment to be reminded of how powerless I am.

Where I once felt nothing but guilt, I now feel loss. Also, the responsibility, my practicality seems to be a barrier in processing that. Maybe time is the only thing that can ease the weight of accountability.

I feel like I'm on a crashing plane that has righted itself and all of the other passengers have lifted their heads up from between their knees but I'm still their crouching in my seat holding my knees as tight as I can. I'm convinced that just because the immediate crisis has past that does not negate the possibility of another crisis.

Like I said... there is nothing here that does anyone any good to hear. Time will pass, Nathan will come home, and days will keep coming one after the other. I have to believe at some point the memories, the terror and the unresolved emotions will become less potent. No one is okay after something like this. The situation seems more complex with no clear cause of death, nothing and no one to hold responsible except myself. There are no answers and so many questions.

I keep putting one foot in front of the other as I'm sure the parents are doing as well. They have it so much worse than I do. I can't process it all along with processing everything else everyday life throws at me so I think keeping a low profile and being distant has to be okay for now. On top of this huge mountain is another one, Nathan is in the middle of a war and the situation seems to be declining every day. I know too much now to let it roll off. I have seen death, felt powerless to prevent it and had to be okay with sending Nate right back on a plane a few weeks later. I don't think anyone will judge me for being distant given the circumstances.

Nathan is going to be gone a little bit longer than usual but only by a few weeks. He will be officially promoted to Major on July 1st while overseas. It disappoints that I will not be there to at least have a photograph of the moment but it's a small irritation when all things are considered. He has a tentative date for his initial flight out and could be home by the first week in August.

Until then I don't see myself posting anything else up here. Hopefully Nathan's wit and sarcasm will be up for blog duty once he's home. I will keep you all up to date if anything changes.

A new backyard!

The backyard landscaping project has been underway since we've moved in. First Nate cleared the woods out to the property line. Then the fence was built...then torn down on one side, then rebuilt. Last Fall I consulted with a landscape company and before Christmas 4 tons of top soil were dumped into the backyard.

I had big plans to spend the first few weeks of Nate's departure spreading the top soil across the entire backyard. 4 months later and the topsoil was still not spread. So, while Nate was temporarily home we took the opportunity to attack the backyard. When his mother came to visit for a few days she was subjected to days of hard manual labor spreading tons of topsoil and landscaping.

Now I, alone, am reaping the rewards of all of our hard work :)

A quick reminder of what the backyard looked like when we moved in...

We have slowly worked on getting the yard cleared of trees, roots, and old barbed wire left over from who knows where.

Two weeks ago, the first grass seeds began to sprout!

I planted a small garden we jokingly call the "pet cemetery" due to it's small size.

Nathan's mom and I picked out this awesome Camelia bush and it is LOVING it's new home :)

And TADA!

A beautiful, green, weed free backyard!

So, there we have it. Progress. Nate wired electric fence on a teenie, tiny portion of the backyard which we left unseeded for the dogs to access. I admit, I will have a difficult time ever allowing them access to the rest of the yard again, it's so beautiful.